I'm numb.

Things had been bearable (if you can even call it that) up until yesterday. I talked to the nurse at the Endo yesterday to find out why Bella's BG was all over the map. She made some suggestions to try for a couple of days. I was super stoked to try her ideas to make night time easier on Bella and me.

The first suggestion was to give a fatty snack before bed because the fat slows the absorption of the carbs and would help keep her BG level overnight. WRONG (at least last night). I checked Bella at bedtime and her BG was good. I gave her ice cream before bed and then checked her BG again before I went to bed. Still good. I got up at 2AM to check and she was REALLY low at 63. I had a hard time waking her and she was super cold. I panicked and gave her whatever I could get her to eat. She ended up having a couple of glucose tabs, a pack of smarties and half a pack of fruit snacks. Within 20 minutes she was back up to a low normal number BG, so I felt confident that I could let her go back to sleep and catch some sleep myself.

She ended up sleeping until 10AM because she was so tired from all the 2AM activity. We had a good morning and her brother had early release from school today. We went to pick up "Bubby" and run some errands. I was sure when we got home her BG would be low. It was actually high. I fed her lunch, gave her insulin and put her down for a nap. She woke up screaming 2 hours later. Nathan went upstairs to get her and she was inconsolable. He checked her BG and it was 84. Her eyes were glazed over and she wouldn't open her mouth so we could get any sugar into her. She was like a limp doll in my arms. She fought us until Nathan pinned her down and I rubbed honey on her gums. In a few minutes she came around and would eat a snack. I rechecked her BG and it's back to normal. I have never been that scared in my life.

Days like this make me so sad. I HATE diabetes. No one, however old or young, should have to deal with this awful lifestyle. It is so taxing on the entire family. The whole family has to live with diabetes, even if they don't actually have it. The stress is literally making me sick. I struggle with depression myself and I am on several medications to help with it. I am so stressed and anxious that I just want to climb in the bed until tomorrow. As some of you know, I have been on Weight Watchers and trying to improve myself inside and out. Days like today make it really hard for me to keep motivated. I feel sad and helpless that my sweet little 2 year old has to live like this, with the ups and downs, and with feeling crummy more often than not.

Diabetes, YOU SUCK.